Good-bye...again

So, I think I'm doing OK. When I got home from my trip, Monty was here to spend 4 days in Toronto, taking care of some work, seeing some family and most importantly, spending time with me.

Literally 3 minutes ago, the cab came to take him back to the airport. I definitely kept the cry in my throat while I said good-bye to him for the second time, and of course didn't even get up the stairs to my door before I fell apart. This, I think is alright - its only natural to feel sad when you have to watch something leave you that you'd like to hold on to, but I have to say its not a comforting feeling, at least for the time being. There are so many things wrong with this situation.

Number one wrong - some people search to find that one good thing in your life, whether it be work, family or love. I have work, I have a great family, and I never searched for love but it found me when I wasn't expecting it. A great person who treats me well and makes me smile more than he makes me cry found me, which of course sounds great, but this has to be the epitome of a near impossible relationship.

Number two wrong - Monty, over the last few years, has started to build the next road in life, went back to school and is nearing completion. He has goals; he has priorities and for the most part knows what he wants to do with these things. I'm proud for him, even though I didn't know him before he made these decisions. Why is this wrong? Well, I'm not a person that would ever want to stand between a person and these things. The situation is much more complicated than 3000 miles of distance in the same country. He has options. Options that could bring him back here, options that could keep him where he is, options that could send him anywhere in the world for long periods of time. I want to be selfish and keep him with me, and I want him to do it without me asking, because of course I never would. I want the pieces to fit together.

Of course, nothing is ever concrete. He doesn't know what will happen yet, he doesn't know where he'll end up, and he doesn't want to invest or commit to a relationship if it meant letting go of any of these things, which in all fairness is the way it should be.

I understand, trust me I understand. I have my own goals; I have sacrificed a lot of things to achieve goals because I had to, and not necessarily because I wanted to.

This is where I need to figure out what I want out of this. Do I hold on for a few more months to see what happens, knowing that the longer I wait the harder it will be? Or do I let it go - do I act selfless and uncomplicate things by removing myself as an option? I don't really know, and I can't seem to figure it out just yet. I do know that I cannot do this forever - I cannot wait for something that may or may not happen, I cannot hold on everything else to see what pans out. I can consider other options for myself, but it seems far and difficult to do. This doesn't mean I won't do it.

So today, I go back to long distance, I go back to time change, I go back to chatting about everything or nothing in particular through a computer or a phone, never being able to reach out and touch when I need to. I go back to wondering if I can do this, and I go back to trying to be positive and look a little farther into the future, and at the same time try to live in today and enjoy it while its there.

JP